"

There have been a number of stories about how crazy Huffle Badger gets when he’s drunk. Huffle Badger is —apparently— one loving little shit when he’s had too much to drink. The last time Huffle Badger got completely obliterated, he ended up singing love songs from the astronomy tower at the top of his lungs. Needless to say, no students got any sleep that night and now, certain parts of the tower are completely inaccessible to students. And Huffle Badgers.

But, as for the nails? Huffle Badger wouldn’t give a shit if someone painted his nails pink in his sleep. Huffle Badger would keep right the fuck on hufflin’ with his pink nails and dare someone to say anything about them.

Do what you want, pufflings — don’t let what other people say keep you from being a happy person. People are going to shit talk regardless, so you might as well enjoy yourself while they’re hufflehatin’.

"

Huffle Badger, in response to the question “Huffle Badger, does anybody tell you what happens when you get drunk? if so, what do you do? and what would happen if someone were to paint your toenails (clawnails?) neon pink in your sleep? *gives an enormous chocolate cake to the Badger, with some honey toast on the side*”

"Yellow is a really interesting color…and it’s usually underestimated as this passive color that doesn’t really scream assertiveness. But in nature, yellow is a warning color, just like red. Yellow means danger. Yellow means caution. Yellow means if you keep pissing me off, I am going to slap you into next week and then slap you back to the present to ask what the weather was like."

[image description: a photo of a person dressed a white shirt, a grey-and-yellow striped tie, a grey skirt, yellow-lined black robes, and a Hufflepuff scarf. Ze is also wearing glasses and appears to have zir hair in pigtails with yellow hair elastics. Ze is holding a sign with black letters on white that says “HUFFLE BADGER DON’T CARE”. End description.]

"

Helga Hufflepuff — now there was one badass don’t-give-a-shit Hufflepuff if Huffle Badger has ever seen one. Huffle Badger has MANY stories about her…

Helga Hufflepuff was the snacking-est Huffle Badger ever known to wizard-kind: She came up with most of the cooking charms that are still used in the Hogwarts kitchens today, and she would always make Huffle Badger her official taste-tester when she was developing new recipes. Huffle Badger could always count on Helga Hufflepuff for a snack worth eating. If there is a way to Huffle Badger’s heart, it is through its stomach.

Helga Hufflepuff also was a crazy, nasty-ass Huffle Badger when she needed to be. When the other head of houses were trying to be elite and deny certain magical children entrance into Hogwarts because they didn’t exemplify the other three house qualities, Helga Hufflepuff didn’t give a shit for their politics. She demanded every student who showed magical ability be given the right to attend Hogwarts and personally invited them to join her badass house of Huffle Badgers.

Huffle Badger remembers when Helga Hufflepuff was getting really far up in age. Huffle Badger was upset and curled up beside her in her office and asked if she was afraid of dying. What did Helga Hufflepuff say?

“Huffle Badger — in this life, Death is the only thing that is certain, which is why you need never fear it. It is inevitable. Instead, you should concern yourself with how you will leave this world in a better condition than when you inherited it. Live your life for the common good of everyone. Be loyal and just, kind and fair. Work hard and fight for all things right and true. Should you do these things, you need never fear Death.”

If Helga Hufflepuff didn’t give a shit about Death when it was at her door, that makes her the most hufflin’ Puff there’s ever been.

"

crazynastyasshufflebadger:

Fuck Felix Felicis

Huffle Badger makes its own luck.

crazynastyasshufflebadger:

Huffle Badger treats Ravenbirds, Gryffinlions, and Slythersnakes the same.

Huffle Badger is tolerant of all the little shits.

"A lot of pufflings get this really confused, so Huffle Badger needs to clarify what exactly “hufflin’” means. Firstly, hufflin’ isn’t just something you do…it’s a lifestyle. It’s a mentality of not letting the haters get to you and doing what makes you feel like a fulfilled person.

Maybe you like dancing to show tunes. Maybe you like collecting stamps. Maybe you like sitting around on tumblr reblogging everything Huffle Badger posts. Whatever that thing is, you do it regardless of what other people think…and you look like a total badass whilst doing it.

"

Huffle Badger

(Source: crazynastyasshufflebadger)

"

As you already know, Professor Sprout really loves plants and shit — She’s the Herbology professor after all. For a while, Professor Sprout kept trying to spruce up the Hufflepuff common room by bringing in all these exotic plants for decorative purposes.

That got mixed results.

Some of the students kept getting trapped in the devil’s snare. Some of the students were highly allergic to the gurdyroot plants and broke out in serious hives…we lost a quidditch match back in 1991 when all the players broke out into hives at once. Also, Huffle Badger ate some of the plants and forgot to water some of the other ones. Shit happens.

Finally, Professor Sprout tried out a cactus plant and it’s been here in the common room ever since. None of the students were allergic. Huffle Badger couldn’t eat it or kill it accidentally by forgetting to water it. It was the perfect plant for the common room.

Anyways, Bob’s been here ever since, just chillin’ in his pot, not giving a single shit about anything that goes on in Hogwarts. Occasionally, he’ll bloom if the Quidditch team wins a match or if Hufflepuff wins the house cup.

"

[image description: a screencap from Crazy Nasty-Ass Huffle Badger. It says:

“kunamathesilverfilly asked: Huffle badger, Pottermore tried to put me in Gryffindor! As a lifelong Puffling I am understandably pissed off. Any advice?

Huffle Badger is going to let all his pufflings in on a secret: Huffle Badger is a Slytherin on Pottermore.

Now, imagine this, pufflings. The biggest, nastiest, Huffle Badger in the whole wide world managed to end up in Slythersnake’s house on Pottermore. Despite his years of living at Hogwarts as the resident Hufflepuff mascot, his love for food, and his crazy badassedness, Huffle Badger got sorted in the same house as Crabbe and Goyle.

What the actual fuck?

So, Huffle Badger was forced to deal with this shit. Did Huffle Badger delete his account? Did Huffle Badger sabotage Slythersnake house because he didn’t really consider himself a Slythersnake?

No. Huffle Badger didn’t give a shit. He went right on earning points for Slytherin house on Pottermore because that’s what the fuck a Huffle Badger does. A Huffle Badger is confronted with a problem, does shit about it, and moves the fuck on. No shits given.

Pottermore is a website. While it is the ultimate Harry Potter experience online, it is still a website. Huffle Badger doesn’t think his pufflings should let what a website says determine who they are as people and how they interact with the world. If you are kind, hard-working, and fair before you are sorted into Slytherin house, be kind, hard-working, and fair after you’re sorted into Slytherin house. Honestly, we all embody certain traits and characteristics of multiple houses (If you don’t, you’re a real one-dimensional little shit).

Besides this, there is more to Pottermore than just the sorting. There are games and shit and lots of facts to learn and bios to uncover. Huffle Badger suggested via BETA that there be some food, so we’ll see about that, pufflings.

Don’t let your sorting ruin your experience. Don’t give one single shit.

So, advice to all the pufflings out there distraught about where they were sorted on Pottermore: Acknowledge that you’re going to be wearing a different color tie than you originally thought, put on your big kid panties, and move the fuck on, pufflings.” End description.]

[image description: Screencap of a question and answer from crazynastyasshufflebadger.tumblr.com. The question reads: “Anonymous asked: Dear wise, old, Huffle Badger, Someone pasted the word “retarded” on their head and called themselves a Hufflepuff. I called them out on being Ableist (which is discriminating against people with disabilities) They only made fun of me more. What is the proper response to this?” The answer reads “Other than giving Huffle Badger their current location, there’s not much you can do, unfortunately. Huffle Badger can tell you’re a true Hufflepuff, though — Hufflepuffs are genuinely concerned with being fair, just, and kind to everyone, regardless of sexuality, gender, race, religion…etc. The most you can do is what you did: make that person aware of their mistake. Huffle Badger isn’t perfect either, and occasionally slips up in its verbiage. But, if a person decides to be ignorant and hateful after you try to enlighten them:

Fuck them.

Huffle Badger isn’t amused by such people, and neither are most sensible people worth knowing. Huffle Badger is proud you stood up for what is right, even if you were mocked in the end. Your temporary embarassment from being mocked is just that — temporary. The memory of them acting like an ass and trying to validate it— that will last forever.

Again, if you’re entirely sure you don’t want to give Huffle Badger their current location…Huffle Badger hasn’t had a rude shit to slap in over 24 hours…Its claws are itching to deliver some swift, backhanded justice.”]